I have been going through some life changing personal alterations lately. I have excellent doctors and I have my diagnoses right. Finally. Well and it’s because I started telling the whole truth to my doctors. Usually I just say what they want to hear so I can get out of the hospital, or just out of an office, because the subject matter just hurts too much and it gets hard to breathe and then I start having a panic attack.
I have a great psychiatrist and psychologist who just want me to achieve. Both call me kiddo and I especially like my psychiatrist, he’s funny, blunt and straight to the point. He doesn’t let me get away with any shit. So working in conjunction with both of them, I am making slow strides to wellness.
What it comes down to is I am afraid of happiness. I am always waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. So I think I subconsciously booby trap my relationships (even friendships) and wait for the bomb to blow. I am just so used to being treated like I am someone’s problem, y’know? I’m sorry that you have problems too, but you can’t blame them on me. I never blamed my problems on you.
I didn’t mean for that to come out. It just did and it’s how I feel. Sometimes I really miss our friendship and then I remember how bad you hurt me and there is one thing I don’t think I can forgive you for. You knew he wasn’t into me and you kept making me look like a fucking jackass. I could have had him as a friend, but no. We haven’t talked since December of 2011. I can handle that. I will deal with that and I wish him well.
But what I miss about you was that special kind of friendship where we both know what the other needed and could make the other feel better. And if you are still following me on tumblr…I don’t give a damn. I won’t name you, I wouldn’t embarrass you like that. But this is my blog and I can write about whatever I want.
Anyhow, my diagnoses are bipolar I, PTSD, GAD, and Schizo Affective Disorder.
Why am I putting any of this out there? This is my diary, only people are allowed to see it. Duh, that’s the point. I just want to help people and if this post touches just one person and helps them, my heart would swell with love and warmth.
Also I haven’t self harmed (I’m a cutter) in 5 months. Which is a personal best for me. Anyhow I’m getting tired. I’m gonna listen to Lady Black one more time, then I am putting on Married with Children for white noise as I fall asleep.
To anyone who reads this. You’re a trouper!
And also remember some of the most brilliant minds had mental disease. The trick is not to let it beat you.
I’m working on it.
So it all started this afternoon when I got my epidural shot for my herniated disc in my lower back. My legs were kind of numb and tingly, but I was told that was to be expected.
We went to HyVee and got a few things, then came home. I made a sandwich and some leftover stuffing from the turkey (it was still good.) And I had a Diet Coke. 15 mins later my chest started to hurt excruciatingly and I was faint, short of breath, headachy and I started to vomit uncontrollably.
I told my mom that we might have to go to the ER. I called the pain management doctor and spoke with a nurse who was very kind and actually called back within two minutes of me haning up with her. I was in the bathroom, hurling my guts out. I felt like my whole entire being was on fire. I was very scared.
I have never had chest pain before. I thought I was having a heart attack. The pain doctor said go to the ER.
Two shots of Zofran, a triple dose of Morphine, heart monitoring, tons of oxygen and one iodine contrast CT scan later to find out I have pneumonia.
I did just have bronchitis and a sinus infection when I saw the doctor on Monday. It got worse really fast.
My chest is so congested and is very painful, and with all the vomiting I did, my stomach hurts pretty bad too.
The doctor gave me Biaxin, it’s a heavy duty antibiotic. And for pain he gave me percocet. Needless to say I am not feeling anything hahaha.
It just feels like I am forever under the weather. I need to start takinh vitamins or something to try and boost my immune system.
For now; it’s lots of fluids and plenty and I do mean plenty of rest.
My grandparents even surprised me by coming down to the ER and sitting with me and my mom. Then they took us out to dinner. Nothing fancy. Just McDonald’s. I had some chicken mcnuggets. I was pretty hungry and that shot of Zofran got rid of the vomiting and nausea.
So that was today’s adventure. *sigh*