It's not who you were, it's who you are.

Dori. Twenty-something. Always something quirky to say. "If they're words from your heart you scream twice as loud." - Dave Grohl


You can find my Incubus blog here:
morningrenades.tumblr.com
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Posts tagged "psychiatric"

I just kind of died for you, you just kind of stared at me. There will always be that chance. We can do this one more time. Hellllllllllll yeeeeeeahhhhhhh I remember aurora.

Little music segue into my (mostly) positive post. My body clock is really starting to regulate. I woke up today at 8 sharp. The only time I woke up was at 4:15 to pee. The only clock I have is my phone. But I made sure that was all I was going to use it for that late/early.

My psychiatrist is very pleased with the direction I am going in, he told me that I am on the right track and there are always going to be stressful, depressive spells. But hey, that’s what you can expect from a bipolar/schizo affective with anxiety. Yeah I hear voices, but right now I’m not and my doctor is telling me it’s because I am getting proper sleep, so those voices and static I get in my head are way worse when you aren’t resting.

Anyway, my therapist and I have a plan set out and I really hope I can stick to it. I know it’s going to be hard, probably the hardest thing I will ever do. But I NEED inner peace/zen. I can’t tell you how much I need that. To truly forgive everyone and everything and NOT have so much piss and vinegar inside. Also to forgive myself. Absolve all the guilt and hurt and thoroughly cleanse my soul.

Well, if you’ve read this far, you’re fucking stellar.

Gonna go watch some TV.

So a week ago, I turned twenty-nine. How in the hell did that happen so fast?! One day you’re twenty-one and the next you are teetering into your thirties going well…fuck. All that peace I had felt has now given back way to all the piss and vinegar that is still in my body. I must purge. My psychiatrist instructed me to do so, by having a journal or even write down in my phone. I told him I have a blog and he was pretty stoked on that.

He thinks it’s important after you’ve written something tangible, to  go back and read exactly how I was feeling at that moment in time. And he’s right.

I am currently desperately trying to get rid of the emotional toxins. No more toxic people or relationships. I do not exist just for people to use me or treat me like I am a doormat. I feel like there is a fucking bullseye painted on my back some days. As my therapist says, this is my one chance at life and why should I let anything/anyone make me feel like I shouldn’t be here.

I will once again regain inner peace and it will be even better because I worked so hard to gain the fruits of my labor. 

Thank you to all who read this. It’s hard putting yourself out there, y’know?

I was looking through my old Incubus concert picture albums here on the Mac. I was thinking how in an instant your life can change. One moment you are 22 and relatively carefree, retaining gainful employment and having lots of friends to do things with and having, what I thought, a best friend who was like a sister to me.

Cue six years later and everything has changed, you have lost the most important man in your life and it makes you question everything. Am I doing it right? What would Dad think of how I’m doing. Sometimes I miss him so much my heart actually hurts. Like right now, I’m typing this through tears. It’s okay to cry every now and then about something like this. But this is not what this blog post is about.

While I was looking at these pictures and the girl who was with me, I realized that I don’t think I even knew her in the first place. Just like I didn’t know myself then.

Right now I’m listening to the Sons Of The Sea Compass EP, I refuse to download anything or even listen to anything from the new album, until I can buy the vinyl next week. Have to wait for my paycheck. I want to discover it for the first time on my very favorite medium.

Anyhow, my mindset paints a very different picture now. Things are beginning to fall into place and for once I am not terrified of moving on. Would I like to lose these pesky extra pounds? Would I like to be on less medication? Would I like to understand life better? Yes to all. But only now, it’s not the end all, be all of things.

I am finally comfortable in my skin and it’s something I had to come to conclusion on my own, with lots of help from music. Especially Incubus and Mr. Boyd’s new music.

And finally I know what I was put here to do; help other people. So I am giving myself until I turn 30, which is a year and three months away, to get myself in really good mental shape. I’m in the right direction :) And then I am going to nursing school. Dad always wanted me to be a nurse and all I want to do is help people. It’s my very favorite thing to do.

My mom had vertigo for two weeks so I was helping her then. Then she had an interstim trial for a bladder pacemaker and had to stay in bed and boy I learned what it was like to run a household. I cleaned, cooked and catered to mom’s needs…AND I LOVED IT! I felt like an adult again and not a scared little child.

Transformations are not always bad, so is moving on and it’s time.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m admitting myself to the hospital. I need help.