I can’t believe how hard it is to even grab a toehold of my life. I kept this a secret for over a week, but I attempted suicide again. I am very lonely. I don’t have many friends and I don’t have a best friend anymore. Which I am trying to get through ever since she told me that I was basically the reason and source of her feeling like shit. I don’t need that in my life.
But I can’t tell you that I lie awake at night, just wishing I had someone to talk to and so many take it for granted. I cry myself to sleep so often that my eyes are are swollen and puffy.
I am not sharing this to get pity. Fuck pity and the shitty horse it rode in on. What I do hope is that somebody, somewhere will look at this and know that they are not alone in how they are feeling.
My psychiatrist wants to see me weekly. He is so worried about me. I also see my psychologist once a week as well.
Thank you to those who actually care. It means more than you know.
I was looking through my old Incubus concert picture albums here on the Mac. I was thinking how in an instant your life can change. One moment you are 22 and relatively carefree, retaining gainful employment and having lots of friends to do things with and having, what I thought, a best friend who was like a sister to me.
Cue six years later and everything has changed, you have lost the most important man in your life and it makes you question everything. Am I doing it right? What would Dad think of how I’m doing. Sometimes I miss him so much my heart actually hurts. Like right now, I’m typing this through tears. It’s okay to cry every now and then about something like this. But this is not what this blog post is about.
While I was looking at these pictures and the girl who was with me, I realized that I don’t think I even knew her in the first place. Just like I didn’t know myself then.
Right now I’m listening to the Sons Of The Sea Compass EP, I refuse to download anything or even listen to anything from the new album, until I can buy the vinyl next week. Have to wait for my paycheck. I want to discover it for the first time on my very favorite medium.
Anyhow, my mindset paints a very different picture now. Things are beginning to fall into place and for once I am not terrified of moving on. Would I like to lose these pesky extra pounds? Would I like to be on less medication? Would I like to understand life better? Yes to all. But only now, it’s not the end all, be all of things.
I am finally comfortable in my skin and it’s something I had to come to conclusion on my own, with lots of help from music. Especially Incubus and Mr. Boyd’s new music.
And finally I know what I was put here to do; help other people. So I am giving myself until I turn 30, which is a year and three months away, to get myself in really good mental shape. I’m in the right direction :) And then I am going to nursing school. Dad always wanted me to be a nurse and all I want to do is help people. It’s my very favorite thing to do.
My mom had vertigo for two weeks so I was helping her then. Then she had an interstim trial for a bladder pacemaker and had to stay in bed and boy I learned what it was like to run a household. I cleaned, cooked and catered to mom’s needs…AND I LOVED IT! I felt like an adult again and not a scared little child.
Transformations are not always bad, so is moving on and it’s time.
So I ordered a pizza so my mom didn’t have to make dinner tonight, she’s not really feeling all that well. So then my brother calls me a “lying sack of shit.” You know what, I really DO NOT appreciate being called a sack of shit, and a lying one at that.
Both he and mom said something about spending more money, and I know I am supposed to be saving, but I was really just trying to help, I swear. Nothing against my mom, I’m not mad at her. I’m just really pissed off at my brother.
Nothing makes me feel worse than being called a sack of shit because someone basically called me that who used to be close to me. And that is as far as I am going with that story.
Welp, Martha My Dear just came on Spotify and that makes me feel all kinds of happy. DId you know that it’s about Paul’s old Sheepdog, Martha? I think that’s cute. But I still think Paul’s a fox.
I am at a loss. It’s been two years now and I should be over it. But the truth is, I still miss him. I still have feelings for him. A small part of me will ALWAYS love him.
I really want to get over this and I have tried so many different things. What makes it worse is I lost one og my best friends. And there is NO attempt to connect. He promised me over a year ago saying he would explain everything. He never did.
However he and my other best friend (she wants nothing to do with me either.) were talking about it and me the entire time. Whatever.
And if she sees this she will just think I am being melodramatic and that everything in my perspective is skewed.
Not true. I will admit thay there are some emotions inside me are back asswards; some of them are jagged. But I know that. I know that I have been trying for a very long two years to get over this love shit. But at the end she just stopped being supportive and blamed me for shit that wasn’t even my fault.
I wasn’t going to write any of this for fear of their feelings, but they so obviously don’t care about mine. Also I highly doubt they even visit my blog anymore. If they do I have no remorse for the things I have said this morning.
Jesus Christopher Christ, I can’t wait until Wednesday and me and my therapist can go through this for the umpteenth time. I just need to talk to him. I gotta go back to weekly appts, instead of biweekly appts.
For anyone who actually read this, I commend you.
Have you ever had to pee so bad that you could bearly move; and when you do get to the bathroom to void your bladder it is damn near orgasmic?
All I kept saying was “Ahhhh…ahhhh…ahhhh…ahhhhhhhh.” it felt so good. I am sure I am not the only one who has experienced this.
Have you ever looked at someone and wonder how you ever could have been in love with them in the first place; and yet still miss them at the same time?
Long, rough day. I feel like I could sleep, but at the same time, I can’t.
I just feel like I’m in a black void and I have no inclination on how to maneuver myself out. I suppose it will just take time.
I’m just tired of waiting, tired of trying to get my meds just right to right the chemical imbalance in my brain.
I am going to try and sleep now. Hopefully that makes me feel a little bit better.
Thank you dear followers for listening.
All it takes is one fight with your mom to make all your insecurities come raging out. Yeah, I probably should have done the dishes, but I’m having cramps and I feel like shit.
I saw my therapist today and he taught me self hypnosis via guided imagery. I have dabbled with that before in the hospital, but I want to start meditating and this is similar. We talked about me being lonely, feeling like I have nobody to relate to and many other topics. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks.
But I get home and I’m okay for a little while and then mom starts in on me until I blow up at her, which I shouldn’t do, because she is probably the only person I can talk to anymore.
So now I lay here bawling like a baby, uncontrollably. I am just gonna take my nighttime pills and go to bed.
Fuck my life.
I think my current depression is contributing to this splitting headache. Yet, unhappily, I am wide awake
Thinking about things I shouldn’t think about. I’m going to have a fuck of a lot to discuss with my therapist next week.
I am not going to say why I am so depressed because I don’t want to hurt or embarrass anyone. I will say that I don’t understand, but then again I will probably never will. All I know is I won’t let someone else get the best of me.
…or at least I am going to try not to.
After airing these grievances, now I will try to sleep. Hope I am successful in my attempt.
Going to watch Ted for some laughs until 9pm when I get my bedtime meds and I can go to bed. Sick of this headache and I’m really tired.