It's not who you were, it's who you are.

All of my anxieties have come back. Just came roaring to the surface and that’s when I start to ruminate and have all these horrible thoughts about myself. 

I am trying really hard to keep my head above water, things are tough right now and I am not blaming it on anyone else, because they are my issues and I have to work them out. I just wish I could sleep and get a break from these thoughts again. It’s so hard, so unbelievably hard (That’s what she said…)

It’s also really hot in my room, but it’s been storming so I’m gonna have to check on weather.com to see what the forecast is and if I can open my window.

I don’t know why I am being so public with my struggles, probably because I hope someone, somewhere is feeling the same way and feels like they can relate, and know that they are not alone.

And me attempting to watch Silver Linings Playbook was such a mistake. He had some of the same diagnoses as me, and 20 minutes in I was so scared that all I could do was hyperventilate and shake like a leaf. I felt paralyzed, like I couldn’t open my mouth to ask my brother to turn it off.

I cried 1 minute into that movie, it’s just too fucking realistic. And maybe someday when I am much better I can watch it, because it looks like a great movie. I just can’t handle it right now.

I hope someone out there appreciates my honesty.

Hope I can fall asleep soon. Goodnight.

I can’t take much more of this. I have been sick for over a month now. I haven’t gotten any better, I just keep getting worse. It’s hard to breathe, my chest and mid back hurts like hell, my nose keeps stuffing up then running. My head hurts, everything hurts.

I just started crying and I can’t stop. My doctor said I can’t leave the house so I’m going stir crazy. This is the longest I have ever been sick and it’s beyond old. I’m just completely miserable.

So update on being sick: had to go back to the emergency room on Sunday because my chest hurt so bad and I couldn’t breathe. The doctor ordered a chest xray and it showed that the pneumonia in my right lung has gone deeper and thickened.

He put me on a heavy duty cough syrup with pain killer in it, steroids and a heavier duty antibiotic.

I feel so horrible. I don’t think I have ever been this sick in my whole life. I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and I can’t do a thing about it. And I miss my friends. But I don’t have much energy so even the simple act of being online via the Droid makes my head spin.

I can’t even go back to work until the new year, that depresses me. This certainly isn’t the feeling I was going for for the Christmas time.

I am wrapped up in bed, I keep alternating between hot and cold. I turned my ceiling fan on and that isn’t helping as much as I thought it would.

I suppose I just needed an outlet for my moodiness. I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to be better sooner rather than later.

Take care everyone :)

Why is being sick always worse at night? My chest hurts so bad. I feel as if I could burst out into tears. I freaking hate pneumonia.

So it all started this afternoon when I got my epidural shot for my herniated disc in my lower back. My legs were kind of numb and tingly, but I was told that was to be expected.

We went to HyVee and got a few things, then came home. I made a sandwich and some leftover stuffing from the turkey (it was still good.) And I had a Diet Coke. 15 mins later my chest started to hurt excruciatingly and I was faint, short of breath, headachy and I started to vomit uncontrollably.

I told my mom that we might have to go to the ER. I called the pain management doctor and spoke with a nurse who was very kind and actually called back within two minutes of me haning up with her. I was in the bathroom, hurling my guts out. I felt like my whole entire being was on fire. I was very scared.

I have never had chest pain before. I thought I was having a heart attack. The pain doctor said go to the ER.

Two shots of Zofran, a triple dose of Morphine, heart monitoring, tons of oxygen and one iodine contrast CT scan later to find out I have pneumonia.

Balls.

I did just have bronchitis and a sinus infection when I saw the doctor on Monday. It got worse really fast.

My chest is so congested and is very painful, and with all the vomiting I did, my stomach hurts pretty bad too.

The doctor gave me Biaxin, it’s a heavy duty antibiotic. And for pain he gave me percocet. Needless to say I am not feeling anything hahaha.

It just feels like I am forever under the weather. I need to start takinh vitamins or something to try and boost my immune system.

For now; it’s lots of fluids and plenty and I do mean plenty of rest.

My grandparents even surprised me by coming down to the ER and sitting with me and my mom. Then they took us out to dinner. Nothing fancy. Just McDonald’s. I had some chicken mcnuggets. I was pretty hungry and that shot of Zofran got rid of the vomiting and nausea.

So that was today’s adventure. *sigh*

When I think upon the past year, it went so fast and the older you get the faster it goes. Also with age (most of the time) comes clarity and wisdom. I learned a lot about that today. I had a great therapy session and for once I didn’t walk out with tears streaming down my face. Not that it’s a bad thing to bawl your eyes out in therapy, it’s actually quite cleansing. But I felt accomplished walking out having done actual work instead of ruminating.

We worked through a few things today, we are going to work through more next session. I admit I am still depressed, but I think my medications might need some adjusting. I go see the psychiatrist next week. Why do I share all of this? Because there is someone out there right now who has or is going through the same thing. And if I can help just ONE person, that is enough for me.

So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for family and amazing friends. A job where I can help people and feel good at the same time. And the one force that drives me in my life: Music. Music saves my life, it’s a comfort zone. It’s the one thing that makes me feel 100 percent totally safe. My therapist today asked me what is my safe place…some people go to the ocean in their mind or their childhood treehouse; I always go back to me in my room with headphones on, volume cranked. 

What are you thankful for?

Going to bed early. This virus from hell is kicking my ass.

I also have a 102.2 degree fever. I went to the doctor today and she put me on a ten day antibiotics course.

Of course I won’t be able to go to work, which sucks hard, but I am hoping ten days fly by fast and I start feeling better soon.

As for right now, I am freezing and burning up at the same time. I took a cold shower and now am trying to keep down some saltine crackers. My bed is my best friend right now. Have to try and just relax, even though the room feels like it’s spinning.

Damn you, weak immune system.

I don’t talk about this much because it embarrasses me…

But, I think my Loxapine is causing my tongue to hang outside my mouth, shake and most irritating and embarrassing swaying back and forth, back and forth like there is a constant stream of music playing in the background (wish it looked as cool as Stevie Wonder…alas it does not.)

I called my doctor’s office and left a message because I am not seeing him for three weeks and I can’t stand this anymore. Hopefully he gets back to me soon.

Nothing has been more embarrassing as doing this in public and being so aware that you’re hyper aware and trying so hard to stop it and can’t.

We’ll see what happens.

And yes, I am a wuss.

Non weight bearing/very light toetouch for three more weeks. That means sleeping on the couch for three more weeks and no showering for three more weeks because the shower is upstairs.

I start physical therapy tomorrow at 11am. I go twice a week for six weeks. I am so not looking forward to this. I am more nervous about recovery than I was for the recovery. I’m going to get in my CPM machine now.

I shall be online later.

This morning, the nurse who would be taking care of me, Shandi called and asked if I could get there early. I said sure and off we went for the hospital. When we got there I found out Dr. Snyder was ahead of schedule! Yay! So they got me all prepped and gave me a double dose of Versed to calm me down. I couldn’t take any of my regular meds besides my blood pressure medication, so I had no Xanax in me.

I was very nervous at first but EVERYONE was so fucking nice. They had me laughing and smiling and just really engaged me. I have never seen anyone, any surgery team so interested in my tattoos. First the nurses were looking at them, then the assistants, then when they wheeled me into the OR everyone in there was looking at them. I said “Go for it! I’ll be out soon and then you can look all you want!” 

Dr. Snyder’s assistant, Christina was looking and I mentioned they were mostly music related and she said, “I’m going to put on my iPod anyway during surgery, would you like me to so you have some music to drift off to?” I said I would love that and she did. And then I look over to who is coming in the door and who do I see?  That unbelievably nice anesthesiologist who talked to me for my preop. He saw me and said “Hey! I am so glad I get to be your doctor today, I just got you, I’m on call!” I was so relieved, he’s such a nice guy.

The anesthesiologist’s assistant, well one of them put the mask over my face and I started breathing deeply and I said I couldn’t feel anything just yet. Then I hear someone say “We’re putting something in your IV now and you’ll feel a tingling sensation all over and a bit of discomfort.” and it hit right away and I said “Oh yeah…that’s the good stuff. I’m feeling that!”

That’s the last thing I remember. I woke up as they were wheeling me into recovery. Dr. Snyder said some stuff to me I don’t remember. Something like he wanted to see me in a week and some other stuff. I don’t know. I was still coming to. I spent about an hour in recovery where I got instructions on aftercare and for home. The anesthesiologist came in and put in a nerve block for pain. It will wear off by tomorrow. 

So the hardest part of the entire hospital stay was getting back into my car to go home. It was my mom’s big red truck and trying to get into it was playing hell. But Joey, my brother took the day off work to help and between him and the nurse they got me into the truck. 

The shittiest part of the entire fucking day was when I fell. Seriously, I fucking fell hard. I didn’t feel it because of the nerve block, I was at the last step, almost in the house and I didn’t realize I put weight on my bad leg and BOOM! Down I went and HARD. It started bleeding and I got so scared. Mom called the doctor while I applied pressure. The stitches didn’t break, thank the fuck Christ and Dr. Snyder said it should be just fine, to just call back on Monday about getting the dressings changed.

The home health care people came out for my CPM Machine. Basically what it does is move your leg up and down so you can get your range of motion back. I have to use it six hours a day, two hours in the morning, two in the afternoon, two in the evening for a month. My fucking insurance wouldn’t cover it! I was so pissed, and I didn’t have the money, but my brother out of the kindness of his heart paid for it out of pocket, because I needed it. He’s such a sweet kid. He and I get along the best.

Here is what a CPM Machine is if you want to read about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Continuous_passive_motion

Anyhow, it will be like 6-8 weeks for recovery. I’m using a walker like crutches like I was before. Thank you again so much for your kindness, prayers, positive energy and warmth. I am so lucky and honored to have friends like you all in my life and I love you guys. 

<3

I was trying to get up the steps with my brother’s help and I was on the very last stair and I thought I was toe-touching like I should be. I have a nerve block in and can’t feel anything…well I put more weight than I should have and down I went. I fell on the concrete steps. 

I called the doctor, well my mom did and he said that he thinks everything would be just fine, but since it had been bleeding a bunch, the stitches didn’t break thank god. The nurse said to just call on Monday and see about getting my dressing changed because of the blood, but it has all stopped now. 

Thank you once again for all your love and support! <3

The nurse was extremely nice and answered any and all questions I had. She gave me all of the information I needed. And told me they’d give me versed to calm me down, because I’ll need it before surgery. I can’t take any of my meds, save my blood pressure med the day of the surgery. They want me to take that one.

I also met with the anesthesiologist, oh man he was adorable and hilarious. He very much put me at ease. He said he didn’t know if he’d be my anesthesiologist or not but there were a team of seven anesthesiologists and I might have him, I might not. But all of them are very nice and good, that’s what he said. He reassured me I’d be safe he said all my “parts were new” and I’d be fine. I’m sure I will. 

I don’t have any pressing health issues barring high blood pressure and hypothyroidism. Well I mean I have my mental disorders but they were more concerned with physical  health, which is understandable.

The nurse gave me Dial anti-bacterial soap to wash with the night before and the day of surgery. I also have to use something called Hibi-Cleanse on my surgical site the night before and day of surgery. I have to wash my knee and around it for TEN minutes both times. TEN! That’s going to go so slow because I’ll be using a timer. I know they want to make sure I am throughly clean so I won’t get infection. But, they also wash the living daylights out of the surgical area right before they open my knee up. 

They are also giving me a nerve block as well as pain meds, so I really don’t feel hardly any pain the first 12-24 hours. Which is fine. I agreed to it. The way it was explained to me was fine. They’ll sedate me and give me a local so I don’t feel it and they keep me awake so I can tell them when they’ve hit the nerve. Then I’ll have general anesthesia, of course. I DO NOT want to be awake during that.

All in all, I was very surprised at how comfortable they actually made me feel. I left the appointment still apprehensive and nervous because it’s surgery and I saw when things can really go wrong with my father. But I am healthy and it won’t happen to me. I know I will come through just fine. My heart is healthy, my lungs are healthy, my body is healthy. It’s just my knee that’s fucked.

The anesthesiologist made sure I knew they were mainly there for my safety which really put me at ease. He said it at least 4 times during the visit. I think he could tell how nervous I was. He also had a Mickey Mouse watch like my dad used to have and that made me feel even better. I don’t know why, it just did.

Then they had a phlebotomy student draw my blood, I said sure. But she seemed so unsure about the veins the experienced phlebotomist felt that I almost said “Can she just do it?” because she was starting to make me really scared and nervous. She only had to stick me once and she got it, but oh man was the phlebotomist ready to take over for her. She could tell I was like ‘uhhhhh…’ I know they have to learn but could they pretend to be a bit more sure of themselves in front of patients?

Anyway, next Friday is the surgery. It’s outpatient so I’ll be home the same day. I’ll try to get online that day, but if I’m not it will be the next day or day after.

I’m already sleeping on the couch because I’ve been falling and the doctor…..yeah I’ve written about that. I’m in the knee brace now that goes from thigh to ankle. I do miss my bed, but I don’t want to go up and down stairs right now if I don’t have to. Although I did just go up a bit ago to take a shower. I was hot and wanted to cool off.

I guess that’s it for now. Just felt like blogging about this.