It's not who you were, it's who you are.

Dori. Twenty-something. Always something quirky to say. "If they're words from your heart you scream twice as loud." - Dave Grohl

You can find my Incubus blog here:
Posts tagged "health"

I just kind of died for you, you just kind of stared at me. There will always be that chance. We can do this one more time. Hellllllllllll yeeeeeeahhhhhhh I remember aurora.

Little music segue into my (mostly) positive post. My body clock is really starting to regulate. I woke up today at 8 sharp. The only time I woke up was at 4:15 to pee. The only clock I have is my phone. But I made sure that was all I was going to use it for that late/early.

My psychiatrist is very pleased with the direction I am going in, he told me that I am on the right track and there are always going to be stressful, depressive spells. But hey, that’s what you can expect from a bipolar/schizo affective with anxiety. Yeah I hear voices, but right now I’m not and my doctor is telling me it’s because I am getting proper sleep, so those voices and static I get in my head are way worse when you aren’t resting.

Anyway, my therapist and I have a plan set out and I really hope I can stick to it. I know it’s going to be hard, probably the hardest thing I will ever do. But I NEED inner peace/zen. I can’t tell you how much I need that. To truly forgive everyone and everything and NOT have so much piss and vinegar inside. Also to forgive myself. Absolve all the guilt and hurt and thoroughly cleanse my soul.

Well, if you’ve read this far, you’re fucking stellar.

Gonna go watch some TV.

I was looking through my old Incubus concert picture albums here on the Mac. I was thinking how in an instant your life can change. One moment you are 22 and relatively carefree, retaining gainful employment and having lots of friends to do things with and having, what I thought, a best friend who was like a sister to me.

Cue six years later and everything has changed, you have lost the most important man in your life and it makes you question everything. Am I doing it right? What would Dad think of how I’m doing. Sometimes I miss him so much my heart actually hurts. Like right now, I’m typing this through tears. It’s okay to cry every now and then about something like this. But this is not what this blog post is about.

While I was looking at these pictures and the girl who was with me, I realized that I don’t think I even knew her in the first place. Just like I didn’t know myself then.

Right now I’m listening to the Sons Of The Sea Compass EP, I refuse to download anything or even listen to anything from the new album, until I can buy the vinyl next week. Have to wait for my paycheck. I want to discover it for the first time on my very favorite medium.

Anyhow, my mindset paints a very different picture now. Things are beginning to fall into place and for once I am not terrified of moving on. Would I like to lose these pesky extra pounds? Would I like to be on less medication? Would I like to understand life better? Yes to all. But only now, it’s not the end all, be all of things.

I am finally comfortable in my skin and it’s something I had to come to conclusion on my own, with lots of help from music. Especially Incubus and Mr. Boyd’s new music.

And finally I know what I was put here to do; help other people. So I am giving myself until I turn 30, which is a year and three months away, to get myself in really good mental shape. I’m in the right direction :) And then I am going to nursing school. Dad always wanted me to be a nurse and all I want to do is help people. It’s my very favorite thing to do.

My mom had vertigo for two weeks so I was helping her then. Then she had an interstim trial for a bladder pacemaker and had to stay in bed and boy I learned what it was like to run a household. I cleaned, cooked and catered to mom’s needs…AND I LOVED IT! I felt like an adult again and not a scared little child.

Transformations are not always bad, so is moving on and it’s time.

Do you think periods are the ultimate troll by the universe?

What my cpap face mask looks like. Pink! Wahoo! This is what keeps me breathing at night. I have severe sleep apnea. #health #sleep #sleepapnea

All of my anxieties have come back. Just came roaring to the surface and that’s when I start to ruminate and have all these horrible thoughts about myself. 

I am trying really hard to keep my head above water, things are tough right now and I am not blaming it on anyone else, because they are my issues and I have to work them out. I just wish I could sleep and get a break from these thoughts again. It’s so hard, so unbelievably hard (That’s what she said…)

It’s also really hot in my room, but it’s been storming so I’m gonna have to check on to see what the forecast is and if I can open my window.

I don’t know why I am being so public with my struggles, probably because I hope someone, somewhere is feeling the same way and feels like they can relate, and know that they are not alone.

And me attempting to watch Silver Linings Playbook was such a mistake. He had some of the same diagnoses as me, and 20 minutes in I was so scared that all I could do was hyperventilate and shake like a leaf. I felt paralyzed, like I couldn’t open my mouth to ask my brother to turn it off.

I cried 1 minute into that movie, it’s just too fucking realistic. And maybe someday when I am much better I can watch it, because it looks like a great movie. I just can’t handle it right now.

I hope someone out there appreciates my honesty.

Hope I can fall asleep soon. Goodnight.

I can’t take much more of this. I have been sick for over a month now. I haven’t gotten any better, I just keep getting worse. It’s hard to breathe, my chest and mid back hurts like hell, my nose keeps stuffing up then running. My head hurts, everything hurts.

I just started crying and I can’t stop. My doctor said I can’t leave the house so I’m going stir crazy. This is the longest I have ever been sick and it’s beyond old. I’m just completely miserable.

So update on being sick: had to go back to the emergency room on Sunday because my chest hurt so bad and I couldn’t breathe. The doctor ordered a chest xray and it showed that the pneumonia in my right lung has gone deeper and thickened.

He put me on a heavy duty cough syrup with pain killer in it, steroids and a heavier duty antibiotic.

I feel so horrible. I don’t think I have ever been this sick in my whole life. I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and I can’t do a thing about it. And I miss my friends. But I don’t have much energy so even the simple act of being online via the Droid makes my head spin.

I can’t even go back to work until the new year, that depresses me. This certainly isn’t the feeling I was going for for the Christmas time.

I am wrapped up in bed, I keep alternating between hot and cold. I turned my ceiling fan on and that isn’t helping as much as I thought it would.

I suppose I just needed an outlet for my moodiness. I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to be better sooner rather than later.

Take care everyone :)

Why is being sick always worse at night? My chest hurts so bad. I feel as if I could burst out into tears. I freaking hate pneumonia.

So it all started this afternoon when I got my epidural shot for my herniated disc in my lower back. My legs were kind of numb and tingly, but I was told that was to be expected.

We went to HyVee and got a few things, then came home. I made a sandwich and some leftover stuffing from the turkey (it was still good.) And I had a Diet Coke. 15 mins later my chest started to hurt excruciatingly and I was faint, short of breath, headachy and I started to vomit uncontrollably.

I told my mom that we might have to go to the ER. I called the pain management doctor and spoke with a nurse who was very kind and actually called back within two minutes of me haning up with her. I was in the bathroom, hurling my guts out. I felt like my whole entire being was on fire. I was very scared.

I have never had chest pain before. I thought I was having a heart attack. The pain doctor said go to the ER.

Two shots of Zofran, a triple dose of Morphine, heart monitoring, tons of oxygen and one iodine contrast CT scan later to find out I have pneumonia.


I did just have bronchitis and a sinus infection when I saw the doctor on Monday. It got worse really fast.

My chest is so congested and is very painful, and with all the vomiting I did, my stomach hurts pretty bad too.

The doctor gave me Biaxin, it’s a heavy duty antibiotic. And for pain he gave me percocet. Needless to say I am not feeling anything hahaha.

It just feels like I am forever under the weather. I need to start takinh vitamins or something to try and boost my immune system.

For now; it’s lots of fluids and plenty and I do mean plenty of rest.

My grandparents even surprised me by coming down to the ER and sitting with me and my mom. Then they took us out to dinner. Nothing fancy. Just McDonald’s. I had some chicken mcnuggets. I was pretty hungry and that shot of Zofran got rid of the vomiting and nausea.

So that was today’s adventure. *sigh*

When I think upon the past year, it went so fast and the older you get the faster it goes. Also with age (most of the time) comes clarity and wisdom. I learned a lot about that today. I had a great therapy session and for once I didn’t walk out with tears streaming down my face. Not that it’s a bad thing to bawl your eyes out in therapy, it’s actually quite cleansing. But I felt accomplished walking out having done actual work instead of ruminating.

We worked through a few things today, we are going to work through more next session. I admit I am still depressed, but I think my medications might need some adjusting. I go see the psychiatrist next week. Why do I share all of this? Because there is someone out there right now who has or is going through the same thing. And if I can help just ONE person, that is enough for me.

So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for family and amazing friends. A job where I can help people and feel good at the same time. And the one force that drives me in my life: Music. Music saves my life, it’s a comfort zone. It’s the one thing that makes me feel 100 percent totally safe. My therapist today asked me what is my safe place…some people go to the ocean in their mind or their childhood treehouse; I always go back to me in my room with headphones on, volume cranked. 

What are you thankful for?

Going to bed early. This virus from hell is kicking my ass.

I also have a 102.2 degree fever. I went to the doctor today and she put me on a ten day antibiotics course.

Of course I won’t be able to go to work, which sucks hard, but I am hoping ten days fly by fast and I start feeling better soon.

As for right now, I am freezing and burning up at the same time. I took a cold shower and now am trying to keep down some saltine crackers. My bed is my best friend right now. Have to try and just relax, even though the room feels like it’s spinning.

Damn you, weak immune system.

I don’t talk about this much because it embarrasses me…

But, I think my Loxapine is causing my tongue to hang outside my mouth, shake and most irritating and embarrassing swaying back and forth, back and forth like there is a constant stream of music playing in the background (wish it looked as cool as Stevie Wonder…alas it does not.)

I called my doctor’s office and left a message because I am not seeing him for three weeks and I can’t stand this anymore. Hopefully he gets back to me soon.

Nothing has been more embarrassing as doing this in public and being so aware that you’re hyper aware and trying so hard to stop it and can’t.

We’ll see what happens.

Non weight bearing/very light toetouch for three more weeks. That means sleeping on the couch for three more weeks and no showering for three more weeks because the shower is upstairs.

I start physical therapy tomorrow at 11am. I go twice a week for six weeks. I am so not looking forward to this. I am more nervous about recovery than I was for the recovery. I’m going to get in my CPM machine now.

I shall be online later.