Have you ever looked at someone and wonder how you ever could have been in love with them in the first place; and yet still miss them at the same time?
I have been sobbing uncontrollably since last night. Still being clueless about the situation breaks my heart even if I finally stepped in and just made myself go away.
I feel like an undesirable. But the thing I feel most is unloved. I feel totally unlovable.
I have deleted and unfriended or unfollowed you from all social media; because I will not let your lack of attention to our friendship hurt me anymore. This was the hardest thing I had to do. Trust me.
Lonely. And it’s not the fact that’s it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s just that I feel like dog poop and there is nobody around to talk to. I feel like my closest friends have ditched me and I will never know why.
I have been keeping my mouth shut; but I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore. And chopping off and dying my hair brunette was just a way of coping by using radical change. Even if I do love it.
I think I have one friend left in the world that I can trust and she knows who she is. Lovely redheaded angel that she is.
Sometimes somone says EXACTLY what you need to hear. Thank you Claire for being there for me when I needed to bawl my eyes out. You were comforting and reassuring and I can’t wait until you can come visit me or I can come visit you.
I can be the Ethel to your Lucy, since you are redheaded and hilarious and I am blonde and hilarious. We’re zany!
The friendship I went a little too far with, I am really coming to terms with the fact it’s over. He wouldn’t even respond to me. If he thinks I am doing any more talking, I can’t. I have said all I could. I have given everything I can. I told him I was sorry. I said there were no feelings left and that is the truth. I have no romantic feelings left. That ship sailed a long time ago.
I am starting to truly believe this is the way it was meant to be. I’m sorry, but I deserve more than someone just talking to me every now and then on Twitter or sometimes speaking in posts on Facebook. I deserve a friend. I deserve to be treated better.
I wish him nothing but the best and I wish it could have and would have ended up different. I take responsibility for my side of things. Maybe one day he will want to talk like adults and want an actual friendship, but I am not hedging any bets on it.
Out of respect for the both of us; this will be the last time I mention any of this, even it is my blog. I just needed a place to vent and my blog is the perfect place to do so.
I think these lyrics fully apply right now: Learning to walk again, I believe I’ve waited long enough, where do I begin?
As for now? I’m going to rest and watch more Malcom In The Middle on Netflix.
PS: I’m not sad about any of what I just talked about. Just slightly disappointed. I’m gonna be just fine. ^_____^
But then my eyes just popped open and I found that I had the courage to say something to someone that I’d been wanting and needing to say for awhile. Everything had just come to a head emotionally where I had finally accepted a situation for what it was, but if I didn’t say something about it, I was going to burst.
So I finally said it. Laid all my cards out on the table and let’s just see how it goes. I make no claims that I didn’t make any mistakes with this situation because I did in the past and now I just want to heal everything and hope we can move forward as friends. But I did tell him that if he can’t handle that, then fine. I can accept everything for what it was and move on.
I also said that the ball was in his court and I was never going to close the door on any friendship. I know I shouldn’t be talking about this publicly, but it’s my blog. I need to vent about it god damnit, and I would never say his name ever. I wouldn’t embarrass him like that and I don’t even think he reads my blog. Not that I’d care. I’m being respectful. I’m not calling him a dick or anything, which I don’t think he is.
Oh great, February Stars just started on the DVD and I am going to just cry now. This song always gets me, but especially now. After this I’m going to watch Back and Forth and hopefully fall asleep now that all of this……I’ll go with the words poison and venom out of my system. I said my piece and that’s the best I can do…that’s the best anyone can do.
Goodnight friends. I’ll post when I get home from the surgery. It’s outpatient. I should be home around 6 or 7pm.
I send each and every one of you a big one of these! (hugs…duh.) <3
I am still not used to the fact that I have real and true friends who actually care about me. It still shocks me. It’s time I got used to it, because I know these people aren’t going anywhere. It also very much warms my heart and I care about every one of them just as much.
Fuck stupid men, fuck them right in the ear.
How’s about we go see Incubus? In about a month? Sound good? Something you’d be interested in?
Good, me fucking too. It’s a date.
I feel like I insulted my best friend and I didn’t even mean to.
I suppose I wasn’t being very thoughtful this morning and I have been trying so hard to change. I hope she knows I’m sorry and had I been more awake I wouldn’t have been so careless. I knew I shouldn’t be getting online half asleep. :/
I’m sorry. <3
Happy Birthday my dearest Lauren!
You are always there when I need you. To laugh with me, to cry with me, to comfort me when I’ve had a total shit day. You are the first person to ever just call me because I sounded like I was having a bad day.
You’re the Boyd to my Einziger:
The Hawkins to my Grohl:
You are my very best friend on this spinning orb we call earth and it has been just a little bit less than a year since we have known one another. Thank you for always being there for me, but never letting myself pander or buy into my own bullshit. I will always love you for that.
I want you to have the happiest of birthdays in the history of birthdays!
Your 28th year will be just as great as your 27th turned out to be and I am so proud of you.
I love you,
Plus it’s just amazingly good karma.
Yes, I did use Incubus gifs to show a random act of kindness, thank you very much. =)