It's not who you were, it's who you are.

Dori. Twenty-something. Always something quirky to say. "If they're words from your heart you scream twice as loud." - Dave Grohl


You can find my Incubus blog here:
morningrenades.tumblr.com
Posts tagged "depression"

So a week ago, I turned twenty-nine. How in the hell did that happen so fast?! One day you’re twenty-one and the next you are teetering into your thirties going well…fuck. All that peace I had felt has now given back way to all the piss and vinegar that is still in my body. I must purge. My psychiatrist instructed me to do so, by having a journal or even write down in my phone. I told him I have a blog and he was pretty stoked on that.

He thinks it’s important after you’ve written something tangible, to  go back and read exactly how I was feeling at that moment in time. And he’s right.

I am currently desperately trying to get rid of the emotional toxins. No more toxic people or relationships. I do not exist just for people to use me or treat me like I am a doormat. I feel like there is a fucking bullseye painted on my back some days. As my therapist says, this is my one chance at life and why should I let anything/anyone make me feel like I shouldn’t be here.

I will once again regain inner peace and it will be even better because I worked so hard to gain the fruits of my labor. 

Thank you to all who read this. It’s hard putting yourself out there, y’know?

I just got off the phone with 1800 SUICIDE. I just really needed someone to talk to. My voices are flaring up again. I saw my psychologist yesterday and I will be seeing my psychiatrist today. I don’t know how I am going to make it from week to week. I see my psychologist weekly and now my psychiatrist is so fucking worried about me that I have to see him every week too.

Why does everything have to be so hard. Right now I am not the model of emotional stability. I have been crying for over an hour and I can’t sleep. Well I suppose I am just going to cry and cry and rock myself back and forth.

I put Married With Children on for some white noise if I ever get some sleep, plus it’s funny.

This lyric is how I feel: leave me here in my stark raving sick, sad little world.

Dr. Allen and I brought my mom back to our session again. It’s nice to have her in there on occasion, because I do things that I don’t remember sometimes, that’s what meds do to you, they keep you functioning, but they also have their downfalls, like short term memory loss, or gaining weight which I hate the most.

But if I am picking I am DEFINITELY going to take the meds because I’d rather weigh 20 more pounds and be sane than be skinny and out of my head all the time. Dr. Allen and I talked about what we want to accomplish in our sessions now, I told him how I want to now work through really deep seated past traumas so I can get back to my volunteer job. We also talked about me getting out more.

Like taking walks, getting out in the sun, only thing is it’s humid as fuck right now and only going to get worse as the summer swallows us in. It’s gonna be okay though. I have a good feeling about my situation now. I am still plagued by the stupid anxiety so when I see my psychiatrist on Thursday I am going to talk to him about that. 

Other than that, nothing else really to report.

I feel like if i did spill out my psychiatric feelings here, and what I am going through, that I would be severely judged, but I do so want to vent and vent and vent.

I am going to my psychiatrist’s office tomorrow for an emergency walk in appointment, I need to get my meds switched, and tweaked around, possibly add some and change some. I’ve been having horrible anxiety, I don’t want to get out of bed, like ever. And I’m becoming agoraphobic.

I have a lot of other problems, but like I said, it gives me severe anxiety to just let them out, especially online. I know it’s my blog and I could potentially help someone, but maybe later. 

I see my therapist on Thursday and I will be able to talk then. I just hope tomorrow they can get my med situation straight because my hallucinations are coming back as well…(When my meds don’t work I hear voices telling me to hurt and/or kill myself.)

Why am I saying any of this? I just keep typing because the typing noise is keeping me from going into an anxiety attack because it’s repetitive. I really hope I don’t end up in the hospital again. I have been using my coping skills and right now it is evident that it’s a med issue. 

I have bipolar I, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. Chemical imbalances in your brain are a bitch. And THE ONLY reason I am writing any of this, is because maybe someone out there is going through some emotional turmoil and needs to know that someone is out there feeling the same way that they are.

May is Mental Health Awareness month. If you know anyone who has mental health issues, please let them know that they are not alone. I am gonna eat a snack and watch The League. I have to leave the house early to get to my doctor’s for the walk in appointments. They fill up so fucking fast.

Thanks everyone for listening….I hope I don’t lose any friends over this. But this is me being honest.

rosecoloredfog:

I can hear some words, but I can’t do anything with your easy words.

Honest to God, I feel like I am dead inside. I do. I don’t understand love, apparently I don’t know how to love the “right way”, or my love isn’t enough, I care too much, I give too much. I don’t even know what to say really. 
I’m terrified of accepting love, because I don’t know if love is real anymore. I loved so fucking hard in 2011. My first real, ‘Holy shit! I’m in love.” We haven’t spoken since December 2011. And I am trying really hard not to care anymore. It’s almost like a subconscious thing now. I have really weird dreams with him in them.
I can’t even keep friendships alive. I haven’t slept in 24 hours. I’m feeling suicidal and having self harm thoughts. I am not going to do anything because my mom has all sharp things locked up. 
I just feel so alone, this was not how it was supposed to be. And it really makes me miss my daddy. He would be really good to talk to at this point. He always knew what to to say and do. I miss him so fucking much. More than anyone could ever imagine.
I witnessed pure, true love in my home growing up. I was raised in a loving family. My parents were married until my dad passed away. They were married 35 years. I just want something like that. And I keep thinking, I’m 28, my twenties were shit. I don’t think I can take another decade of suffering, I know I’m gonna have to work at it. And I’m trying as hard as I can right now and as little as that looks to other people…I AM FUCKING TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT!
And it would appear from the outside that maybe I’m not trying as hard as I could be, but that’s not the case, I go to therapy every week. I do everything I am supposed to. I take my medications, my many, many medications.
Oh yay, I’m bawling now. I didn’t mean to spew all this out, but it is my blog, no? This isn’t directed at one singular person, I swear. It’s about my life and what and how I am trying to fix it and how I feel.

rosecoloredfog:

I can hear some words, but I can’t do anything with your easy words.

Honest to God, I feel like I am dead inside. I do. I don’t understand love, apparently I don’t know how to love the “right way”, or my love isn’t enough, I care too much, I give too much. I don’t even know what to say really. 

I’m terrified of accepting love, because I don’t know if love is real anymore. I loved so fucking hard in 2011. My first real, ‘Holy shit! I’m in love.” We haven’t spoken since December 2011. And I am trying really hard not to care anymore. It’s almost like a subconscious thing now. I have really weird dreams with him in them.

I can’t even keep friendships alive. I haven’t slept in 24 hours. I’m feeling suicidal and having self harm thoughts. I am not going to do anything because my mom has all sharp things locked up. 

I just feel so alone, this was not how it was supposed to be. And it really makes me miss my daddy. He would be really good to talk to at this point. He always knew what to to say and do. I miss him so fucking much. More than anyone could ever imagine.

I witnessed pure, true love in my home growing up. I was raised in a loving family. My parents were married until my dad passed away. They were married 35 years. I just want something like that. And I keep thinking, I’m 28, my twenties were shit. I don’t think I can take another decade of suffering, I know I’m gonna have to work at it. And I’m trying as hard as I can right now and as little as that looks to other people…I AM FUCKING TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT!

And it would appear from the outside that maybe I’m not trying as hard as I could be, but that’s not the case, I go to therapy every week. I do everything I am supposed to. I take my medications, my many, many medications.

Oh yay, I’m bawling now. I didn’t mean to spew all this out, but it is my blog, no? This isn’t directed at one singular person, I swear. It’s about my life and what and how I am trying to fix it and how I feel.

Laying alone, staring at the ceiling, wishing I had someone to talk to.

Long, rough day. I feel like I could sleep, but at the same time, I can’t.
I just feel like I’m in a black void and I have no inclination on how to maneuver myself out. I suppose it will just take time.

I’m just tired of waiting, tired of trying to get my meds just right to right the chemical imbalance in my brain.

I am going to try and sleep now. Hopefully that makes me feel a little bit better.

Thank you dear followers for listening.

All it takes is one fight with your mom to make all your insecurities come raging out. Yeah, I probably should have done the dishes, but I’m having cramps and I feel like shit.

I saw my therapist today and he taught me self hypnosis via guided imagery. I have dabbled with that before in the hospital, but I want to start meditating and this is similar. We talked about me being lonely, feeling like I have nobody to relate to and many other topics. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks.

But I get home and I’m okay for a little while and then mom starts in on me until I blow up at her, which I shouldn’t do, because she is probably the only person I can talk to anymore.

So now I lay here bawling like a baby, uncontrollably. I am just gonna take my nighttime pills and go to bed.

Fuck my life.

I have cried so much today that I feel water logged.

Hope is just a four letter meaningless word.

I have been sobbing uncontrollably since last night. Still being clueless about the situation breaks my heart even if I finally stepped in and just made myself go away.

I feel like an undesirable. But the thing I feel most is unloved. I feel totally unlovable.

Fuck me.

I feel like I make no difference in this world. I feel like if I were gone, nobody would miss me.

Today sucks. I’m going back to bed.

I have such a huge heart, but it is also a stupid, blind heart because it wants to reach out and help and love everyone. To my own detriment.

I’m afraid the only way to get through this life is to become jaded, it doesn’t hurt. It can’t. That’s a lie, we all know it hurts just as bad, if not worse.

I just want someone who will like me for everything I am, not everything I can do for them. Ignoring someone for three months is just as bad as constantly putting them down.

Out of sight, out of mind…I wish.

I drew the curtains in my room. I am too depressed today for light. Or getting out of bed.