It's not who you were, it's who you are.

I feel like if i did spill out my psychiatric feelings here, and what I am going through, that I would be severely judged, but I do so want to vent and vent and vent.

I am going to my psychiatrist’s office tomorrow for an emergency walk in appointment, I need to get my meds switched, and tweaked around, possibly add some and change some. I’ve been having horrible anxiety, I don’t want to get out of bed, like ever. And I’m becoming agoraphobic.

I have a lot of other problems, but like I said, it gives me severe anxiety to just let them out, especially online. I know it’s my blog and I could potentially help someone, but maybe later. 

I see my therapist on Thursday and I will be able to talk then. I just hope tomorrow they can get my med situation straight because my hallucinations are coming back as well…(When my meds don’t work I hear voices telling me to hurt and/or kill myself.)

Why am I saying any of this? I just keep typing because the typing noise is keeping me from going into an anxiety attack because it’s repetitive. I really hope I don’t end up in the hospital again. I have been using my coping skills and right now it is evident that it’s a med issue. 

I have bipolar I, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. Chemical imbalances in your brain are a bitch. And THE ONLY reason I am writing any of this, is because maybe someone out there is going through some emotional turmoil and needs to know that someone is out there feeling the same way that they are.

May is Mental Health Awareness month. If you know anyone who has mental health issues, please let them know that they are not alone. I am gonna eat a snack and watch The League. I have to leave the house early to get to my doctor’s for the walk in appointments. They fill up so fucking fast.

Thanks everyone for listening….I hope I don’t lose any friends over this. But this is me being honest.

Laying alone, staring at the ceiling, wishing I had someone to talk to.

Long, rough day. I feel like I could sleep, but at the same time, I can’t.
I just feel like I’m in a black void and I have no inclination on how to maneuver myself out. I suppose it will just take time.

I’m just tired of waiting, tired of trying to get my meds just right to right the chemical imbalance in my brain.

I am going to try and sleep now. Hopefully that makes me feel a little bit better.

Thank you dear followers for listening.

All it takes is one fight with your mom to make all your insecurities come raging out. Yeah, I probably should have done the dishes, but I’m having cramps and I feel like shit.

I saw my therapist today and he taught me self hypnosis via guided imagery. I have dabbled with that before in the hospital, but I want to start meditating and this is similar. We talked about me being lonely, feeling like I have nobody to relate to and many other topics. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks.

But I get home and I’m okay for a little while and then mom starts in on me until I blow up at her, which I shouldn’t do, because she is probably the only person I can talk to anymore.

So now I lay here bawling like a baby, uncontrollably. I am just gonna take my nighttime pills and go to bed.

Fuck my life.

I have cried so much today that I feel water logged.

Hope is just a four letter meaningless word.

I have been sobbing uncontrollably since last night. Still being clueless about the situation breaks my heart even if I finally stepped in and just made myself go away.

I feel like an undesirable. But the thing I feel most is unloved. I feel totally unlovable.

Fuck me.

I feel like I make no difference in this world. I feel like if I were gone, nobody would miss me.

I am so accustomed to emotional neglect and abuse that I think that I deserve it. I never stick up for myself. I always wait for the other shoe to drop when I meet someone…I am terrified of happiness, because the bottom always falls out.

I have deleted and unfriended or unfollowed you from all social media; because I will not let your lack of attention to our friendship hurt me anymore. This was the hardest thing I had to do. Trust me.

Today sucks. I’m going back to bed.

I have such a huge heart, but it is also a stupid, blind heart because it wants to reach out and help and love everyone. To my own detriment.

I’m afraid the only way to get through this life is to become jaded, it doesn’t hurt. It can’t. That’s a lie, we all know it hurts just as bad, if not worse.

I just want someone who will like me for everything I am, not everything I can do for them. Ignoring someone for three months is just as bad as constantly putting them down.

Out of sight, out of mind…I wish.

I drew the curtains in my room. I am too depressed today for light. Or getting out of bed.

You know who you can trust in this world? Yourself that’s who. :’(