It's not who you were, it's who you are.

Dori. Twenty-something. Always something quirky to say. "If they're words from your heart you scream twice as loud." - Dave Grohl


You can find my Incubus blog here:
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Posts tagged "bipolar"

I just got off the phone with 1800 SUICIDE. I just really needed someone to talk to. My voices are flaring up again. I saw my psychologist yesterday and I will be seeing my psychiatrist today. I don’t know how I am going to make it from week to week. I see my psychologist weekly and now my psychiatrist is so fucking worried about me that I have to see him every week too.

Why does everything have to be so hard. Right now I am not the model of emotional stability. I have been crying for over an hour and I can’t sleep. Well I suppose I am just going to cry and cry and rock myself back and forth.

I put Married With Children on for some white noise if I ever get some sleep, plus it’s funny.

This lyric is how I feel: leave me here in my stark raving sick, sad little world.

Dr. Allen and I brought my mom back to our session again. It’s nice to have her in there on occasion, because I do things that I don’t remember sometimes, that’s what meds do to you, they keep you functioning, but they also have their downfalls, like short term memory loss, or gaining weight which I hate the most.

But if I am picking I am DEFINITELY going to take the meds because I’d rather weigh 20 more pounds and be sane than be skinny and out of my head all the time. Dr. Allen and I talked about what we want to accomplish in our sessions now, I told him how I want to now work through really deep seated past traumas so I can get back to my volunteer job. We also talked about me getting out more.

Like taking walks, getting out in the sun, only thing is it’s humid as fuck right now and only going to get worse as the summer swallows us in. It’s gonna be okay though. I have a good feeling about my situation now. I am still plagued by the stupid anxiety so when I see my psychiatrist on Thursday I am going to talk to him about that. 

Other than that, nothing else really to report.

He asked if he thought I should be back in the hospital with my hallucinations going on (I hear voices if not properly medicated.) And I said no, I have been using my coping skills, but I have been very triggered lately and I really just felt it was a medication issue.

So we tinkered with my meds. He added another antipsychotic and upped the antipsychotic I was already on (Seroquel) from 600 to 1200 at night. He said it should also help out with my panic and I can take an extra Klonopin for anxiety. I feel a little bit better seeing him, since he knows me and knows how I operate. I still feel like total fucking shit, it’s gonna be a little bit before the meds kick in.

I also see my psychologist at 1pm. I have plenty to talk about. I know it feels like I’m just telling him the same things over and over, but if I still need to work on it, it is still helpful to talk about it. He practices EMDR with me. It’s pretty interesting. Hell, I’ll just link you to the Wikipedia on EMDR

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EMDR

He’s a great psychologist. I still miss the one back home in California, but I have gotten to know my doctors here in Missouri and come to trust them. So that’s a good thing. 

I’m really sleepy and am gonna take a nap after I see the doctor, but I just wanted to update everyone. 

Thank you for always being so caring, dearest followers and friends.

xx

Seeing both my psychiatrist and my psychologist tomorrow. My psychiatrist is an emergency appointment. My meds need to be tuned up and the nurse practicioner I saw on Monday did fuck all, but make me feel terrible about myself.

I am having extreme panic attacks and my insides feel like they are on the outside. Plus I have suicidal and self harm thoughts. I’m not gonna do anything, but the thought is still there.

I have a whole bunch of other shit going on, but I must keep some things private.

Thank you for always listening my dear followers. I love you.

I feel like if i did spill out my psychiatric feelings here, and what I am going through, that I would be severely judged, but I do so want to vent and vent and vent.

I am going to my psychiatrist’s office tomorrow for an emergency walk in appointment, I need to get my meds switched, and tweaked around, possibly add some and change some. I’ve been having horrible anxiety, I don’t want to get out of bed, like ever. And I’m becoming agoraphobic.

I have a lot of other problems, but like I said, it gives me severe anxiety to just let them out, especially online. I know it’s my blog and I could potentially help someone, but maybe later. 

I see my therapist on Thursday and I will be able to talk then. I just hope tomorrow they can get my med situation straight because my hallucinations are coming back as well…(When my meds don’t work I hear voices telling me to hurt and/or kill myself.)

Why am I saying any of this? I just keep typing because the typing noise is keeping me from going into an anxiety attack because it’s repetitive. I really hope I don’t end up in the hospital again. I have been using my coping skills and right now it is evident that it’s a med issue. 

I have bipolar I, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. Chemical imbalances in your brain are a bitch. And THE ONLY reason I am writing any of this, is because maybe someone out there is going through some emotional turmoil and needs to know that someone is out there feeling the same way that they are.

May is Mental Health Awareness month. If you know anyone who has mental health issues, please let them know that they are not alone. I am gonna eat a snack and watch The League. I have to leave the house early to get to my doctor’s for the walk in appointments. They fill up so fucking fast.

Thanks everyone for listening….I hope I don’t lose any friends over this. But this is me being honest.

I want to spill everything about how I am feeling, but both my head and my heart are telling me not to, that it’s going to be a huge mistake and I will just open myself up to heartache.

Just know I am having a very rough go of it right now and I am going to the doctor tomorrow to have my meds tweaked around with. 

Shit. I just want one day where my brain functions the way it’s supposed to.

All of my anxieties have come back. Just came roaring to the surface and that’s when I start to ruminate and have all these horrible thoughts about myself. 

I am trying really hard to keep my head above water, things are tough right now and I am not blaming it on anyone else, because they are my issues and I have to work them out. I just wish I could sleep and get a break from these thoughts again. It’s so hard, so unbelievably hard (That’s what she said…)

It’s also really hot in my room, but it’s been storming so I’m gonna have to check on weather.com to see what the forecast is and if I can open my window.

I don’t know why I am being so public with my struggles, probably because I hope someone, somewhere is feeling the same way and feels like they can relate, and know that they are not alone.

And me attempting to watch Silver Linings Playbook was such a mistake. He had some of the same diagnoses as me, and 20 minutes in I was so scared that all I could do was hyperventilate and shake like a leaf. I felt paralyzed, like I couldn’t open my mouth to ask my brother to turn it off.

I cried 1 minute into that movie, it’s just too fucking realistic. And maybe someday when I am much better I can watch it, because it looks like a great movie. I just can’t handle it right now.

I hope someone out there appreciates my honesty.

Hope I can fall asleep soon. Goodnight.

rosecoloredfog:

I can hear some words, but I can’t do anything with your easy words.

Honest to God, I feel like I am dead inside. I do. I don’t understand love, apparently I don’t know how to love the “right way”, or my love isn’t enough, I care too much, I give too much. I don’t even know what to say really. 
I’m terrified of accepting love, because I don’t know if love is real anymore. I loved so fucking hard in 2011. My first real, ‘Holy shit! I’m in love.” We haven’t spoken since December 2011. And I am trying really hard not to care anymore. It’s almost like a subconscious thing now. I have really weird dreams with him in them.
I can’t even keep friendships alive. I haven’t slept in 24 hours. I’m feeling suicidal and having self harm thoughts. I am not going to do anything because my mom has all sharp things locked up. 
I just feel so alone, this was not how it was supposed to be. And it really makes me miss my daddy. He would be really good to talk to at this point. He always knew what to to say and do. I miss him so fucking much. More than anyone could ever imagine.
I witnessed pure, true love in my home growing up. I was raised in a loving family. My parents were married until my dad passed away. They were married 35 years. I just want something like that. And I keep thinking, I’m 28, my twenties were shit. I don’t think I can take another decade of suffering, I know I’m gonna have to work at it. And I’m trying as hard as I can right now and as little as that looks to other people…I AM FUCKING TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT!
And it would appear from the outside that maybe I’m not trying as hard as I could be, but that’s not the case, I go to therapy every week. I do everything I am supposed to. I take my medications, my many, many medications.
Oh yay, I’m bawling now. I didn’t mean to spew all this out, but it is my blog, no? This isn’t directed at one singular person, I swear. It’s about my life and what and how I am trying to fix it and how I feel.

rosecoloredfog:

I can hear some words, but I can’t do anything with your easy words.

Honest to God, I feel like I am dead inside. I do. I don’t understand love, apparently I don’t know how to love the “right way”, or my love isn’t enough, I care too much, I give too much. I don’t even know what to say really. 

I’m terrified of accepting love, because I don’t know if love is real anymore. I loved so fucking hard in 2011. My first real, ‘Holy shit! I’m in love.” We haven’t spoken since December 2011. And I am trying really hard not to care anymore. It’s almost like a subconscious thing now. I have really weird dreams with him in them.

I can’t even keep friendships alive. I haven’t slept in 24 hours. I’m feeling suicidal and having self harm thoughts. I am not going to do anything because my mom has all sharp things locked up. 

I just feel so alone, this was not how it was supposed to be. And it really makes me miss my daddy. He would be really good to talk to at this point. He always knew what to to say and do. I miss him so fucking much. More than anyone could ever imagine.

I witnessed pure, true love in my home growing up. I was raised in a loving family. My parents were married until my dad passed away. They were married 35 years. I just want something like that. And I keep thinking, I’m 28, my twenties were shit. I don’t think I can take another decade of suffering, I know I’m gonna have to work at it. And I’m trying as hard as I can right now and as little as that looks to other people…I AM FUCKING TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT!

And it would appear from the outside that maybe I’m not trying as hard as I could be, but that’s not the case, I go to therapy every week. I do everything I am supposed to. I take my medications, my many, many medications.

Oh yay, I’m bawling now. I didn’t mean to spew all this out, but it is my blog, no? This isn’t directed at one singular person, I swear. It’s about my life and what and how I am trying to fix it and how I feel.

Long, rough day. I feel like I could sleep, but at the same time, I can’t.
I just feel like I’m in a black void and I have no inclination on how to maneuver myself out. I suppose it will just take time.

I’m just tired of waiting, tired of trying to get my meds just right to right the chemical imbalance in my brain.

I am going to try and sleep now. Hopefully that makes me feel a little bit better.

Thank you dear followers for listening.

All it takes is one fight with your mom to make all your insecurities come raging out. Yeah, I probably should have done the dishes, but I’m having cramps and I feel like shit.

I saw my therapist today and he taught me self hypnosis via guided imagery. I have dabbled with that before in the hospital, but I want to start meditating and this is similar. We talked about me being lonely, feeling like I have nobody to relate to and many other topics. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks.

But I get home and I’m okay for a little while and then mom starts in on me until I blow up at her, which I shouldn’t do, because she is probably the only person I can talk to anymore.

So now I lay here bawling like a baby, uncontrollably. I am just gonna take my nighttime pills and go to bed.

Fuck my life.

I have cried so much today that I feel water logged.

Hope is just a four letter meaningless word.

I have been sobbing uncontrollably since last night. Still being clueless about the situation breaks my heart even if I finally stepped in and just made myself go away.

I feel like an undesirable. But the thing I feel most is unloved. I feel totally unlovable.

Fuck me.

I feel like I make no difference in this world. I feel like if I were gone, nobody would miss me.

Today sucks. I’m going back to bed.