He asked if he thought I should be back in the hospital with my hallucinations going on (I hear voices if not properly medicated.) And I said no, I have been using my coping skills, but I have been very triggered lately and I really just felt it was a medication issue.
So we tinkered with my meds. He added another antipsychotic and upped the antipsychotic I was already on (Seroquel) from 600 to 1200 at night. He said it should also help out with my panic and I can take an extra Klonopin for anxiety. I feel a little bit better seeing him, since he knows me and knows how I operate. I still feel like total fucking shit, it’s gonna be a little bit before the meds kick in.
I also see my psychologist at 1pm. I have plenty to talk about. I know it feels like I’m just telling him the same things over and over, but if I still need to work on it, it is still helpful to talk about it. He practices EMDR with me. It’s pretty interesting. Hell, I’ll just link you to the Wikipedia on EMDR
He’s a great psychologist. I still miss the one back home in California, but I have gotten to know my doctors here in Missouri and come to trust them. So that’s a good thing.
I’m really sleepy and am gonna take a nap after I see the doctor, but I just wanted to update everyone.
Thank you for always being so caring, dearest followers and friends.
Seeing both my psychiatrist and my psychologist tomorrow. My psychiatrist is an emergency appointment. My meds need to be tuned up and the nurse practicioner I saw on Monday did fuck all, but make me feel terrible about myself.
I am having extreme panic attacks and my insides feel like they are on the outside. Plus I have suicidal and self harm thoughts. I’m not gonna do anything, but the thought is still there.
I have a whole bunch of other shit going on, but I must keep some things private.
Thank you for always listening my dear followers. I love you.
I feel like if i did spill out my psychiatric feelings here, and what I am going through, that I would be severely judged, but I do so want to vent and vent and vent.
I am going to my psychiatrist’s office tomorrow for an emergency walk in appointment, I need to get my meds switched, and tweaked around, possibly add some and change some. I’ve been having horrible anxiety, I don’t want to get out of bed, like ever. And I’m becoming agoraphobic.
I have a lot of other problems, but like I said, it gives me severe anxiety to just let them out, especially online. I know it’s my blog and I could potentially help someone, but maybe later.
I see my therapist on Thursday and I will be able to talk then. I just hope tomorrow they can get my med situation straight because my hallucinations are coming back as well…(When my meds don’t work I hear voices telling me to hurt and/or kill myself.)
Why am I saying any of this? I just keep typing because the typing noise is keeping me from going into an anxiety attack because it’s repetitive. I really hope I don’t end up in the hospital again. I have been using my coping skills and right now it is evident that it’s a med issue.
I have bipolar I, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. Chemical imbalances in your brain are a bitch. And THE ONLY reason I am writing any of this, is because maybe someone out there is going through some emotional turmoil and needs to know that someone is out there feeling the same way that they are.
May is Mental Health Awareness month. If you know anyone who has mental health issues, please let them know that they are not alone. I am gonna eat a snack and watch The League. I have to leave the house early to get to my doctor’s for the walk in appointments. They fill up so fucking fast.
Thanks everyone for listening….I hope I don’t lose any friends over this. But this is me being honest.
I want to spill everything about how I am feeling, but both my head and my heart are telling me not to, that it’s going to be a huge mistake and I will just open myself up to heartache.
Just know I am having a very rough go of it right now and I am going to the doctor tomorrow to have my meds tweaked around with.
Shit. I just want one day where my brain functions the way it’s supposed to.
All of my anxieties have come back. Just came roaring to the surface and that’s when I start to ruminate and have all these horrible thoughts about myself.
I am trying really hard to keep my head above water, things are tough right now and I am not blaming it on anyone else, because they are my issues and I have to work them out. I just wish I could sleep and get a break from these thoughts again. It’s so hard, so unbelievably hard (That’s what she said…)
It’s also really hot in my room, but it’s been storming so I’m gonna have to check on weather.com to see what the forecast is and if I can open my window.
I don’t know why I am being so public with my struggles, probably because I hope someone, somewhere is feeling the same way and feels like they can relate, and know that they are not alone.
And me attempting to watch Silver Linings Playbook was such a mistake. He had some of the same diagnoses as me, and 20 minutes in I was so scared that all I could do was hyperventilate and shake like a leaf. I felt paralyzed, like I couldn’t open my mouth to ask my brother to turn it off.
I cried 1 minute into that movie, it’s just too fucking realistic. And maybe someday when I am much better I can watch it, because it looks like a great movie. I just can’t handle it right now.
I hope someone out there appreciates my honesty.
Hope I can fall asleep soon. Goodnight.
Long, rough day. I feel like I could sleep, but at the same time, I can’t.
I just feel like I’m in a black void and I have no inclination on how to maneuver myself out. I suppose it will just take time.
I’m just tired of waiting, tired of trying to get my meds just right to right the chemical imbalance in my brain.
I am going to try and sleep now. Hopefully that makes me feel a little bit better.
Thank you dear followers for listening.
All it takes is one fight with your mom to make all your insecurities come raging out. Yeah, I probably should have done the dishes, but I’m having cramps and I feel like shit.
I saw my therapist today and he taught me self hypnosis via guided imagery. I have dabbled with that before in the hospital, but I want to start meditating and this is similar. We talked about me being lonely, feeling like I have nobody to relate to and many other topics. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks.
But I get home and I’m okay for a little while and then mom starts in on me until I blow up at her, which I shouldn’t do, because she is probably the only person I can talk to anymore.
So now I lay here bawling like a baby, uncontrollably. I am just gonna take my nighttime pills and go to bed.
Fuck my life.
I have been sobbing uncontrollably since last night. Still being clueless about the situation breaks my heart even if I finally stepped in and just made myself go away.
I feel like an undesirable. But the thing I feel most is unloved. I feel totally unlovable.
I have such a huge heart, but it is also a stupid, blind heart because it wants to reach out and help and love everyone. To my own detriment.
I’m afraid the only way to get through this life is to become jaded, it doesn’t hurt. It can’t. That’s a lie, we all know it hurts just as bad, if not worse.
I just want someone who will like me for everything I am, not everything I can do for them. Ignoring someone for three months is just as bad as constantly putting them down.
Out of sight, out of mind…I wish.