When I think upon the past year, it went so fast and the older you get the faster it goes. Also with age (most of the time) comes clarity and wisdom. I learned a lot about that today. I had a great therapy session and for once I didn’t walk out with tears streaming down my face. Not that it’s a bad thing to bawl your eyes out in therapy, it’s actually quite cleansing. But I felt accomplished walking out having done actual work instead of ruminating.
We worked through a few things today, we are going to work through more next session. I admit I am still depressed, but I think my medications might need some adjusting. I go see the psychiatrist next week. Why do I share all of this? Because there is someone out there right now who has or is going through the same thing. And if I can help just ONE person, that is enough for me.
So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for family and amazing friends. A job where I can help people and feel good at the same time. And the one force that drives me in my life: Music. Music saves my life, it’s a comfort zone. It’s the one thing that makes me feel 100 percent totally safe. My therapist today asked me what is my safe place…some people go to the ocean in their mind or their childhood treehouse; I always go back to me in my room with headphones on, volume cranked.
What are you thankful for?
I told myself I was gonna pig the fuck out today. And I didn’t, I haven’t eaten ALL DAY! My mom begged me to eat, and I said no. She was all like “Please just have some turkey and potatoes.” and I was like “No.” I’m honestly not hungry. I don’t know why, dammit. I’m sitting on my bed listening to The fucking Raconteurs, Jack White, I seriously love you. The Raconteurs = pure eargasm. I just checked out his other band The Dead Weather and holy shite, amazing. But you have to dig Jack White to be into it. I haven’t been sleeping at all lately, I’ve been going like three days without sleep literally. My psychologist said it’s like imperative I find a psychiatrist. So I called a couple in the city, they are the only ones around who were open who would take my insurance. I’m hoping they really are open man. My psychologist thinks my mania is acting up. I don’t think my medicines are working, I don’t think the dosages are correct. Seriously, how could I be so happy, literally the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Seriously, I am. But yet, so damn depressed. FUCKING PARADOX! Doesn’t make any sense, but Bipolar disorder really doesn’t. Chemical imbalances, man. Why does this shit even exist, I guess the most creative minds wouldn’t exist without it. I know, I don’t want to toot my own horn here, but I’m pretty god damn creative. I’ve always had a gigantic imagination ‘insert Spongebob reference here’ even as a kid. I was always playing and dreaming up stuff. I’ve always been an imaginer (yes I made that word up, haha.) and a dreamer. Here is a list of notables who have Bipolar:
Russell Brand (HOLY SHIT!!! I knew we had too much in common!)
JEFF BUCKLEY (JESUS!! well, I’m not sure if this one is true. He’s just a rumored Bipolar. We will never know if it IS true, but if it is. It DOES explain A LOT! And I get it, I truly do. I love him so, so, so, so much. I fucking love him as much as I love Incubus. And I didn’t think that was possible haha.)
Francis Ford Coppola
Ray Davies (of The Kinks)
ROBERT DOWNEY JR (HOLY FUCK!!! That’s it! He’s. Holy shit. I have to meet him now. He was my idol in rehab. Now knowing that he’s got Bipolar too? Holy effing eff. I knew I got him too well.)
Jack Irons (former drummer of RHCP and Pearl Jam)
Edgar Allan Poe
Vincent Van Gogh
Brian Wilson (The Beach Boys)
Okay, I think that’s enough. Thanks Wikipedia and a couple of other sites! I know there is more out there. I tried to commit suicide over 12 times. Literally over 12, subconsciously I didn’t want to die, or else I wouldn’t be here. But I did try, the drugs certainly didn’t help. And I would stop taking my medicine on purpose all the time, my mood stabilizers and my anti-depressants on purpose. Just because, well really to see what would happen. Then I’d go all bat shit CRAZY again! And end up in the psychiatric hospital. Seven times, seven fucking times I was in a psych hospital. I used to be so embarrassed and didn’t want to tell anyone about the drug use, rehab, or the psych hospitals. But now, I know I could actually be helping someone. I have been through so much, and I don’t care anymore. I’m not embarrassed anymore, every experience has been an important one that has led me to now. Do I wish that it hadn’t happened? I don’t know. I probably wouldn’t have used. That was a huge mistake. I know I talk about it a lot. But I think I have to, because it’s still fresh for me. I only got out of rehab six months ago. It’s still on my mind all the time, I fucked up royally. And I have to have humility or I’m going to fuck up again. I really don’t want to fall off the wagon. I really do need to see a psychiatrist, the one I really like sounded so nice. I really liked her voice. Both are in San Francisco, and the one I really, really like is studying to be an analyst on in the C.G. Jung Institute of San Francisco. How rad is that? I read up on her before I found that out, I had already got a good vibe on her before that, and then I found that out and was like, SCORE! I really, really hope that she’s accepting new patients! Please, Please, Please let me get what I want! I’m quoting The Smiths here, haha. Anywhoodlydoodle, I soo love that quote from Ned Flanders, I think it’s funny. That reminds me, I spoke to a dear old friend last night! Rebecca! We used to work together. She texted me, I didn’t recognize the number. I got this text was like “Hey, wanted to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving!” and I was like “You too!…Who is this…” then she was like “Are you busy or could I call you?” and I was like “Yeah if you tell me who this is, haha.” and she told me who she was. and I was like “OMG of course!!” that was like at 11pm. We talked for like over an hour and laughed SO hard the entire time. She’s the sweetest girl in the world. The reason Ned Flanders reminds me of her, is that her fave is The Simpsons, that’s one of mine too. I took her to get her first tattoo. BITCHIN’! We were at work one night. I was sick as a dog, and she came up to me, and she is very shy and demure, kind of like Flower in Bambi. Until you get to know her, then she opens right up. But she started asking about my tattoos. Then she was like I want one. Always have. Then she asked me where I got mine, and one thing led to another, all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. I felt like horseshit. But I got so excited that I took her to get inked. I couldn’t help myself, if someone wants a tattoo, you can bet your ass that if they ask me…I’m going to fucking take them. Haha. So as soon as she figures out her schedule we’re gonna get together and watch Modern Family. That makes me happy. Anyway. I think I’ve written a sufficient amount. I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday and that the tryptophan from the turkey has lulled you into a nice food coma!