I have been sick for a few days, at first I thought it was a head cold, today my ear and throat started hurting and the room wouldn’t stop spinning. And add that to my nighttime meds, makes for a loopy Dori.
So a week ago, I turned twenty-nine. How in the hell did that happen so fast?! One day you’re twenty-one and the next you are teetering into your thirties going well…fuck. All that peace I had felt has now given back way to all the piss and vinegar that is still in my body. I must purge. My psychiatrist instructed me to do so, by having a journal or even write down in my phone. I told him I have a blog and he was pretty stoked on that.
He thinks it’s important after you’ve written something tangible, to go back and read exactly how I was feeling at that moment in time. And he’s right.
I am currently desperately trying to get rid of the emotional toxins. No more toxic people or relationships. I do not exist just for people to use me or treat me like I am a doormat. I feel like there is a fucking bullseye painted on my back some days. As my therapist says, this is my one chance at life and why should I let anything/anyone make me feel like I shouldn’t be here.
I will once again regain inner peace and it will be even better because I worked so hard to gain the fruits of my labor.
Thank you to all who read this. It’s hard putting yourself out there, y’know?
I am so lonely. I feel as if nobody understands me, my situation, or even wants to. I find myself having to shroud myself from hurt, so I’ve just closed my doors to trust and love. I am a hopeless romantic…keyword HOPELESS.
I know that things take time and my medication is getting dicked around with all the time. Which is actually not as bad as it seems. I think I need to stop being so melancholy and go downstairs for a little bit to look at the Christmas tree and be with my mom and brother so I can vent.
Don’t worry, I won’t be doing anything stupid, I just got out of the hospital last Monday. My doctor put me in, saying he knew how miserable I was. And I was. It’s gotten a little bit better. I still have pain deep down inside, which I am working with my psychologist on. Both he and my psychiatrist are seeing me every week.
My mood is still all over the place, but I am calmer in general. Maybe one of the medications is giving me an overall anesthetizing feeling, also with it being a holiday coming up I miss my daddy so much more than normal.
I don’t even know why I am writing this, maybe for…I don’t know. Maybe I like the clickety-clack of the keys on my MacBook.
I can’t believe how hard it is to even grab a toehold of my life. I kept this a secret for over a week, but I attempted suicide again. I am very lonely. I don’t have many friends and I don’t have a best friend anymore. Which I am trying to get through ever since she told me that I was basically the reason and source of her feeling like shit. I don’t need that in my life.
But I can’t tell you that I lie awake at night, just wishing I had someone to talk to and so many take it for granted. I cry myself to sleep so often that my eyes are are swollen and puffy.
I am not sharing this to get pity. Fuck pity and the shitty horse it rode in on. What I do hope is that somebody, somewhere will look at this and know that they are not alone in how they are feeling.
My psychiatrist wants to see me weekly. He is so worried about me. I also see my psychologist once a week as well.
Thank you to those who actually care. It means more than you know.
When I think upon the past year, it went so fast and the older you get the faster it goes. Also with age (most of the time) comes clarity and wisdom. I learned a lot about that today. I had a great therapy session and for once I didn’t walk out with tears streaming down my face. Not that it’s a bad thing to bawl your eyes out in therapy, it’s actually quite cleansing. But I felt accomplished walking out having done actual work instead of ruminating.
We worked through a few things today, we are going to work through more next session. I admit I am still depressed, but I think my medications might need some adjusting. I go see the psychiatrist next week. Why do I share all of this? Because there is someone out there right now who has or is going through the same thing. And if I can help just ONE person, that is enough for me.
So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for family and amazing friends. A job where I can help people and feel good at the same time. And the one force that drives me in my life: Music. Music saves my life, it’s a comfort zone. It’s the one thing that makes me feel 100 percent totally safe. My therapist today asked me what is my safe place…some people go to the ocean in their mind or their childhood treehouse; I always go back to me in my room with headphones on, volume cranked.
What are you thankful for?