It's not who you were, it's who you are.

When I think upon the past year, it went so fast and the older you get the faster it goes. Also with age (most of the time) comes clarity and wisdom. I learned a lot about that today. I had a great therapy session and for once I didn’t walk out with tears streaming down my face. Not that it’s a bad thing to bawl your eyes out in therapy, it’s actually quite cleansing. But I felt accomplished walking out having done actual work instead of ruminating.

We worked through a few things today, we are going to work through more next session. I admit I am still depressed, but I think my medications might need some adjusting. I go see the psychiatrist next week. Why do I share all of this? Because there is someone out there right now who has or is going through the same thing. And if I can help just ONE person, that is enough for me.

So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for family and amazing friends. A job where I can help people and feel good at the same time. And the one force that drives me in my life: Music. Music saves my life, it’s a comfort zone. It’s the one thing that makes me feel 100 percent totally safe. My therapist today asked me what is my safe place…some people go to the ocean in their mind or their childhood treehouse; I always go back to me in my room with headphones on, volume cranked. 

What are you thankful for?

I don’t talk about this much because it embarrasses me…

But, I think my Loxapine is causing my tongue to hang outside my mouth, shake and most irritating and embarrassing swaying back and forth, back and forth like there is a constant stream of music playing in the background (wish it looked as cool as Stevie Wonder…alas it does not.)

I called my doctor’s office and left a message because I am not seeing him for three weeks and I can’t stand this anymore. Hopefully he gets back to me soon.

Nothing has been more embarrassing as doing this in public and being so aware that you’re hyper aware and trying so hard to stop it and can’t.

We’ll see what happens.

T.O’d about the Grace vinyl, I’m still smarting over it…yeah it’s still eating my gourd. I’m being a gigantic baby, I know I am. I can’t help it. I’m PMSING!! I have to take my mom to the doctor in the morning. So I’ll just make this short and sweet for now. My new doctor rocks the shit. He really fucking gets it, gets me. And really got in depth. As soon as we got within four minutes of UCSF, I went into hardcore panic attacks, but once it was over, I felt like I had battled some kind of inner demon. And all I could hear playing in my head was ‘You know I did it, it’s over and I feel fine. Nothing you can say is gonna change my mind, waited and I waited the longest night. Nothing like the taste of sweet decline…’ And so on. So, I fucking finally have a reliable psychiatrist. Anyway, just thought you all might want to know this.