It's not who you were, it's who you are.
You can find my Incubus blog here:
morningrenades.tumblr.com
Have you ever looked at someone and wonder how you ever could have been in love with them in the first place; and yet still miss them at the same time?
I can hear some words, but I can’t do anything with your easy words.
Honest to God, I feel like I am dead inside. I do. I don’t understand love, apparently I don’t know how to love the “right way”, or my love isn’t enough, I care too much, I give too much. I don’t even know what to say really.
I’m terrified of accepting love, because I don’t know if love is real anymore. I loved so fucking hard in 2011. My first real, ‘Holy shit! I’m in love.” We haven’t spoken since December 2011. And I am trying really hard not to care anymore. It’s almost like a subconscious thing now. I have really weird dreams with him in them.
I can’t even keep friendships alive. I haven’t slept in 24 hours. I’m feeling suicidal and having self harm thoughts. I am not going to do anything because my mom has all sharp things locked up.
I just feel so alone, this was not how it was supposed to be. And it really makes me miss my daddy. He would be really good to talk to at this point. He always knew what to to say and do. I miss him so fucking much. More than anyone could ever imagine.
I witnessed pure, true love in my home growing up. I was raised in a loving family. My parents were married until my dad passed away. They were married 35 years. I just want something like that. And I keep thinking, I’m 28, my twenties were shit. I don’t think I can take another decade of suffering, I know I’m gonna have to work at it. And I’m trying as hard as I can right now and as little as that looks to other people…I AM FUCKING TRYING WITH ALL MY MIGHT!
And it would appear from the outside that maybe I’m not trying as hard as I could be, but that’s not the case, I go to therapy every week. I do everything I am supposed to. I take my medications, my many, many medications.
Oh yay, I’m bawling now. I didn’t mean to spew all this out, but it is my blog, no? This isn’t directed at one singular person, I swear. It’s about my life and what and how I am trying to fix it and how I feel.
Laying alone, staring at the ceiling, wishing I had someone to talk to.
Long, rough day. I feel like I could sleep, but at the same time, I can’t.
I just feel like I’m in a black void and I have no inclination on how to maneuver myself out. I suppose it will just take time.
I’m just tired of waiting, tired of trying to get my meds just right to right the chemical imbalance in my brain.
I am going to try and sleep now. Hopefully that makes me feel a little bit better.
Thank you dear followers for listening.
All it takes is one fight with your mom to make all your insecurities come raging out. Yeah, I probably should have done the dishes, but I’m having cramps and I feel like shit.
I saw my therapist today and he taught me self hypnosis via guided imagery. I have dabbled with that before in the hospital, but I want to start meditating and this is similar. We talked about me being lonely, feeling like I have nobody to relate to and many other topics. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks.
But I get home and I’m okay for a little while and then mom starts in on me until I blow up at her, which I shouldn’t do, because she is probably the only person I can talk to anymore.
So now I lay here bawling like a baby, uncontrollably. I am just gonna take my nighttime pills and go to bed.
Fuck my life.
I think my current depression is contributing to this splitting headache. Yet, unhappily, I am wide awake
Thinking about things I shouldn’t think about. I’m going to have a fuck of a lot to discuss with my therapist next week.
I am not going to say why I am so depressed because I don’t want to hurt or embarrass anyone. I will say that I don’t understand, but then again I will probably never will. All I know is I won’t let someone else get the best of me.
…or at least I am going to try not to.
After airing these grievances, now I will try to sleep. Hope I am successful in my attempt.
Going to watch Ted for some laughs until 9pm when I get my bedtime meds and I can go to bed. Sick of this headache and I’m really tired.
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in, I refuse!
I have cried so much today that I feel water logged.
Incubus is my heart and soul. Their healing powers via music are absolutely otherworldly.
Hope is just a four letter meaningless word.
I have been sobbing uncontrollably since last night. Still being clueless about the situation breaks my heart even if I finally stepped in and just made myself go away.
I feel like an undesirable. But the thing I feel most is unloved. I feel totally unlovable.
Fuck me.
I feel like I make no difference in this world. I feel like if I were gone, nobody would miss me.
Today sucks. I’m going back to bed.
I have such a huge heart, but it is also a stupid, blind heart because it wants to reach out and help and love everyone. To my own detriment.
I’m afraid the only way to get through this life is to become jaded, it doesn’t hurt. It can’t. That’s a lie, we all know it hurts just as bad, if not worse.
I just want someone who will like me for everything I am, not everything I can do for them. Ignoring someone for three months is just as bad as constantly putting them down.
Out of sight, out of mind…I wish.