Have you ever looked at someone and wonder how you ever could have been in love with them in the first place; and yet still miss them at the same time?
Long, rough day. I feel like I could sleep, but at the same time, I can’t.
I just feel like I’m in a black void and I have no inclination on how to maneuver myself out. I suppose it will just take time.
I’m just tired of waiting, tired of trying to get my meds just right to right the chemical imbalance in my brain.
I am going to try and sleep now. Hopefully that makes me feel a little bit better.
Thank you dear followers for listening.
All it takes is one fight with your mom to make all your insecurities come raging out. Yeah, I probably should have done the dishes, but I’m having cramps and I feel like shit.
I saw my therapist today and he taught me self hypnosis via guided imagery. I have dabbled with that before in the hospital, but I want to start meditating and this is similar. We talked about me being lonely, feeling like I have nobody to relate to and many other topics. I hadn’t seen him in two weeks.
But I get home and I’m okay for a little while and then mom starts in on me until I blow up at her, which I shouldn’t do, because she is probably the only person I can talk to anymore.
So now I lay here bawling like a baby, uncontrollably. I am just gonna take my nighttime pills and go to bed.
Fuck my life.
I think my current depression is contributing to this splitting headache. Yet, unhappily, I am wide awake
Thinking about things I shouldn’t think about. I’m going to have a fuck of a lot to discuss with my therapist next week.
I am not going to say why I am so depressed because I don’t want to hurt or embarrass anyone. I will say that I don’t understand, but then again I will probably never will. All I know is I won’t let someone else get the best of me.
…or at least I am going to try not to.
After airing these grievances, now I will try to sleep. Hope I am successful in my attempt.
Going to watch Ted for some laughs until 9pm when I get my bedtime meds and I can go to bed. Sick of this headache and I’m really tired.
I have been sobbing uncontrollably since last night. Still being clueless about the situation breaks my heart even if I finally stepped in and just made myself go away.
I feel like an undesirable. But the thing I feel most is unloved. I feel totally unlovable.
I have such a huge heart, but it is also a stupid, blind heart because it wants to reach out and help and love everyone. To my own detriment.
I’m afraid the only way to get through this life is to become jaded, it doesn’t hurt. It can’t. That’s a lie, we all know it hurts just as bad, if not worse.
I just want someone who will like me for everything I am, not everything I can do for them. Ignoring someone for three months is just as bad as constantly putting them down.
Out of sight, out of mind…I wish.