I just got off the phone with 1800 SUICIDE. I just really needed someone to talk to. My voices are flaring up again. I saw my psychologist yesterday and I will be seeing my psychiatrist today. I don’t know how I am going to make it from week to week. I see my psychologist weekly and now my psychiatrist is so fucking worried about me that I have to see him every week too.
Why does everything have to be so hard. Right now I am not the model of emotional stability. I have been crying for over an hour and I can’t sleep. Well I suppose I am just going to cry and cry and rock myself back and forth.
I put Married With Children on for some white noise if I ever get some sleep, plus it’s funny.
This lyric is how I feel: leave me here in my stark raving sick, sad little world.
I can’t believe how hard it is to even grab a toehold of my life. I kept this a secret for over a week, but I attempted suicide again. I am very lonely. I don’t have many friends and I don’t have a best friend anymore. Which I am trying to get through ever since she told me that I was basically the reason and source of her feeling like shit. I don’t need that in my life.
But I can’t tell you that I lie awake at night, just wishing I had someone to talk to and so many take it for granted. I cry myself to sleep so often that my eyes are are swollen and puffy.
I am not sharing this to get pity. Fuck pity and the shitty horse it rode in on. What I do hope is that somebody, somewhere will look at this and know that they are not alone in how they are feeling.
My psychiatrist wants to see me weekly. He is so worried about me. I also see my psychologist once a week as well.
Thank you to those who actually care. It means more than you know.