Body Regulation/Sleep Hygiene/On and on and on and on and on...
I just kind of died for you, you just kind of stared at me. There will always be that chance. We can do this one more time. Hellllllllllll yeeeeeeahhhhhhh I remember aurora.
Little music segue into my (mostly) positive post. My body clock is really starting to regulate. I woke up today at 8 sharp. The only time I woke up was at 4:15 to pee. The only clock I have is my phone. But I made sure that was all I was going to use it for that late/early.
My psychiatrist is very pleased with the direction I am going in, he told me that I am on the right track and there are always going to be stressful, depressive spells. But hey, that’s what you can expect from a bipolar/schizo affective with anxiety. Yeah I hear voices, but right now I’m not and my doctor is telling me it’s because I am getting proper sleep, so those voices and static I get in my head are way worse when you aren’t resting.
Anyway, my therapist and I have a plan set out and I really hope I can stick to it. I know it’s going to be hard, probably the hardest thing I will ever do. But I NEED inner peace/zen. I can’t tell you how much I need that. To truly forgive everyone and everything and NOT have so much piss and vinegar inside. Also to forgive myself. Absolve all the guilt and hurt and thoroughly cleanse my soul.
Well, if you’ve read this far, you’re fucking stellar.
I really don’t hate my brother. In fact I do love him, but sometimes we get into fights, like all siblings do. Jeff is a great guy who would give anyone the shirt off of his back. He’s loving and humble and I give him way too much shit. Anyway, I hope he can forgive me. It really was just my rotten mood and having to get up at 8am. But once I had some breakfast and a shower, I did feel better, he’s not wrong. I need stability, I just hate being wrong. So yeah, I was wrong.
I have been sick for a few days, at first I thought it was a head cold, today my ear and throat started hurting and the room wouldn’t stop spinning. And add that to my nighttime meds, makes for a loopy Dori.
The only way out now is in, and we'll both be mesmerized. So if you're ready to begin, we could take our chances.
So a week ago, I turned twenty-nine. How in the hell did that happen so fast?! One day you’re twenty-one and the next you are teetering into your thirties going well…fuck. All that peace I had felt has now given back way to all the piss and vinegar that is still in my body. I must purge. My psychiatrist instructed me to do so, by having a journal or even write down in my phone. I told him I have a blog and he was pretty stoked on that.
He thinks it’s important after you’ve written something tangible, to go back and read exactly how I was feeling at that moment in time. And he’s right.
I am currently desperately trying to get rid of the emotional toxins. No more toxic people or relationships. I do not exist just for people to use me or treat me like I am a doormat. I feel like there is a fucking bullseye painted on my back some days. As my therapist says, this is my one chance at life and why should I let anything/anyone make me feel like I shouldn’t be here.
I will once again regain inner peace and it will be even better because I worked so hard to gain the fruits of my labor.
Thank you to all who read this. It’s hard putting yourself out there, y’know?